The Exit Interview

Disclaimer: The following write-up has nothing to do with my personal experience , or that of anyone I know. It is a work of fiction, and by golly, if you think your interview went in a way described below, you should write to me. I’d be interested in knowing you. 🙂 This post also has nothing to do with the HR policies or any policies for that matter that my previous, current or future employer might have. Let’s just leave it at that-HR tells me, that should suffice 😉 . Kidding of course.

Me and a friend of mine were having a jolly good discussion over Ice cream cones, and suddenly the topic seemed to shift to ‘Separating from the Company’, or ‘Putting in the Papers’ as is known in some circles. Well, all it means is that you are going to quit the organization, or as one might have heard a few years earlier, Resign from a job.

Well, I am not very good at specifics of this, but I am good at letting my imagination run wild at times, and I thought up a few scenarios, and the two of us had a few good laughs. (So, if you find inaccuracies in the process itself)

I am going to take three different guys, a) serious, b) likes a good laugh, c) indifferent, and see how their exit interviews might (or to be honest, might not) go,

(Why so) SERIOUS

Interviewer: So, tell us, why are you quitting the company ?

Serious guy: (Immediately heating up, half shouting) Are you kidding me ? Didn’t I just come out of the meeting with my manager, after shouting my throat off, and here I am five minutes later, filing my separation. And you ask me why ? Oh, why don’t you tell me Sherlock ? [thinks to himself: Jerk! You think just because you are in Human Resources, you can instigate me with a seemingly benign question. You filthy pig! I wish I could strangle you] – (knuckles clenching and unclenching all the while.)

Interviewer: No, but seriously. I am supposed to be writing down the reason here, in this form.

Serious guy: Oh, come on! You can’t be serious about being serious. And just so you know, no one around here takes you seriously. But anyway, I’ll do you a big favor and tell you why. Because  the company sucks!! Every stupid policy you have sucks!! Everything that results from the neurons firing in your brain and your superiors brain and his superiors brain is simply, well, sucky! [thinks to himself:I wish I could reach across this table and pummel your face with my bare hands. Ah, yes, that would be justice.] (Grins menacingly)

Interviewer: This is no place to vent your anger. I can get you a therapist for you, once we are done here. If you can just tell us plain and simple why you are quitting, we could get this over with.

Serious Guy: What ? I just did [Now I am just going to kill you.] You know what, write down whatever the hell you want to. I don’t care. (get’s up and leaves. Slams the door on the way out, and goes to the Smoking Zone for one last smoke inside Campus.)

HR scribbles on the form: Employee has major issues with anger. Did not volunteer any information for reason on quitting., in spite of me being persuasive. Also seems to be paranoid. Well, I am not a shrink, but this guy quitting has nothing to do with the company. He has issues!

Guy who likes a Good Laugh

Interviewer: So, tell us, why are you quitting the company ?

GWLAGL: Do you know policy A that you guys implemented last year – that’s why. [thinking to himself: He he] (Has a smile on his face)

Interviewer: What about policy A ?

GWLAGL: What about it ? [thinking to himself: He he]

Interviewer: What ?

GWLAGL: What ? [thinking to himself: He he]

Interviewer: (Puzzled!!) No, but seriously. I am supposed to be writing down the reason here, in this form.

Serious guy:Fine fine. You know policy B you guys implemented last year ? [thinking to himself: He he] (Trying to act serious, but can’t help smiling)

Interviewer: Yes. Now, what about policy B ?

GWLAGL: What about it ? [thinking to himself: He he]

Interviewer: What ?

GWLAGL: What ? [thinking to himself: He he]

Interviewer: [phew! again!] This is no place to kid around. If you can just tell us plain and simple why you are quitting, we could get this over with.

GWLAGL: What ? (Smiles a wide smile.)

Interviewer: You know what, that’ll be all.

GWLAGL leaves without saying a word.

HR crumples the form and throws it into the waste paper basket. Takes it out, smoothens it, scribbles on the form:  He had to be kidding me!! You know what, I quit!!

Indifferent Guy

Interviewer: So, tell us, why are you quitting the company ?

IG:Errr….

Interviewer: No, but seriously. I am supposed to be writing down the reason here, in this form.

IG: Meh.

Interviewer: Do you actually have a reason for quitting ? I need to write this down here.

IG: (This time just shrugs)

Interviewer: You know what, that’ll be all. We are done.

IG not bothered by this temper tantrum, remains seated.

HR writes,

Reason for Employee Leaving: Meh!!

then gets up, and leaves the room leaving our man sitting there.

Of SuSus, PooPoos and Sour Grape Juice. (Yuck!!)

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DISCLAIMER: This post is not meant to be taken seriously. The author suggests taking it in a lighter vein. (No, not intravenous drugs. I am against drugs!! ) The post is also best taken with a pinch of humor (or snuff if you actually are in the habit. No wait, that is disgusting too!! ) The characters and themes appearing in this post are “absolut-ly” “triple distilled” fictional and any relation with beings either living, dead or brain dead is coincidental. (Yeah, right!!)  If you can think a better title, you are most welcome. For people of the opinion that I try too hard, you don’t know yet. (wink)

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An interview with Vrakash Parma, who directed the commercials of SuSus for MO6 and the creators themselves.

Mr Parma, first things first. How did you get such a creative name for the characters ?

That’s something you will have to ask the creators. They are the creative ones. I just shoot.

( At least you shoot straight.) So let’s talk to the creators now. Mr. KamKaro Jao , How did you think of such a name ? I must confess, lots of my friends, me included are enthralled.

Well, as a kid, I used to go to the Jijamata Udyan Zoo very often. It is only natural … Oh wait a minute, wait a minute, why am I explaining about a zoo ? It’s actually because the people wearing these costumes had a difficult time getting out of it when you know, (ahem) nature calls. (Sheepish smile) Hence Susus. If you are wondering why not another rhyming word, then it boils down (ha ha ha) to the frequency really.

Oh (coughs..), naturally. And very clever. Care to tell us about the concept ?

It’s very simple really. I was sitting in my bedroom one fine afternoon, wondering “Why, these days everyone is into animation so much. In a way animated characters were stealing the charisma of humans. Hence I got to thinking, why not make an animation like advertisement with humans in it, instead ?

Wow!! That’s simply won-der-ful. Creativity at it’s peak. Are you sure you didn’t rip it off Bybendum ?

By Ben who ?

Not Ben. The Michellin Man!! Or, wait was it the mummies ?

Michelle in what ? And whose Mum ? Surely, I have heard of no such thing. You got to be donuts  if you are accusing me. I am always one revolution ahead!!

Ya, Right!! So what’s this new branch of ad-making going to be called ? Surely, there will be others who will copy you. This is India afterall.

Oh, I haven’t given it any thought really. But yes, now you bring it up, we Indians will copy it anyway. And keep copying it till everyone is bored of it. I think people will think of a title eventually.

Back to Mr. Parma. Ok, so tell us, Mr. Parma  What were the challenges you faced ?

The material was a big challenge. I mean we were initially just using a white sheet. But then someone notices that one, the sheets wrinkled a lot and two, instead of looking like cute creatures, these were now looking more like banshees.

So, you found an alternative we hear ?

Yes, we tried this material called “perspirex”, but that just made people sweat a lot. As a result of which there were no nature calls, and we couldn’t call these things susus any longer. That would have been a collapse of the entire concept. We couldn’t let that happen.

Oh, so ?

Well, this one guy who writes wise ass posts in his blog, gave us this suggestion and I must confess it’s wonderful and simple. Coming to think of it, I should have thought of it myself.

Uh-huh ? What is this suggestion ?

Toilet paper!! We just had to roll this person in toilet paper. And nature calls were no longer a problem. We just had to remove some portion of the covering (which was useful for other things) and cover em back once the business was done. Jolly good, I say.

Jolly good indeed.

Ladies and gentlemans, let there be applause.

English Massacred by Indian Government

SAY NO TO ENGLISH. PROTECT INDIAN CULTURE

Well, the other day I remember discussing with Marc somewhere as to how the experience of obtaining a Driving Licence can be a whole lot worse than obtaining a Passport. Right now I am so confused and dizzy (thanks to the application), that I ask of the readers to “bare” with me if there are any errors at all in the post.

Here is (ample ample) proof. English language murdered and massacred and on an Official Government of India form. Talk about revenge. 🙂

• Signature of Thumb Impression

Ever thought about that ? You thumb impression can have a signature now. Completely digital too. Haven’t you heard of digital signatures ?

• Yes I Enclose. And… ?
  

#17 on the form says “I enclose three copies of my recent photograph (passport size photograph)” followed by a line where you are supposed to write something. What ? Yes, I do. ? Or do they expect us to write stuff like “This photograph was taken when I was in my 2nd year B.E. I used to play sports back then. That should explain the tan.”

• Mot less than

Em En O Pee. How does it matter ? It’s all the same anyway. Ever seen how MIT spells Massachusetts anyway ? With a V. And here we are criticizing our poor Govt. officials.

• Vehical fitred

Vehical is like logical. We don’t say Logicel now do we ? And it’s supposed to be fitted with some red thing of some sort. A Half lime smeared in blood perhaps ?

• Steering Whell

Whell, what can I say ?

• Au ourside, reaeily, ordinery, disbility

Au ourside ? Wow, we have the Gold on our side now. How boring an outside would be ? Who wants an outside when you have gold on your side ?

But then how can you be suffering from muscular power ? Isn’t that like awesome ? Having muscular power ? It’s like saying Superman suffers from superpowers. Indeed he does.

Once you are involved with a distillery, its quite ordinary to spell ordinary as ordinery. Big deal.

Disbility is like Invisibility. Another superpower.

• Here declare, there in are true

(shall upload soon)

• Beleif

(shall upload soon)

• Amplity

Amplity. Ok, I am clueless on this one. (Except it probably should have been amplify.)

• Maybe required to given further

Yeah. That’s right. Maybe required to given further details. Not give. Given.

• Spectacle, less of member

That these guys can even read and write English is a spectacle.

Less of a member ? This guy sure lost his member. Dismembered.

• Ordinery

Just an ordinery spelling mistake. Nothing to it really.

• Adriver

Adriver ? Is it like screwdriver or something ?

• An details

Now this could be in detail or and details. It’s your guess.

• Affax

Affax!! Meaning you can also do it over fax. Normally it has to be affixed in person.

• A manner of his signature….???

I leave this for people to comment.

P.S: Some of the images didn’t come out so well. But you can’t really complain. I used a camera, not a scanner. Now,there were (or surely must have been) more of this funny stuff on the form, but then it was quite tiring to get even these many.I hope it was enough to keep you entertained and keep the British away and any idea they might have of invading India again. Hurray to Indian Culture. 😀

From Us Unto Them

Gokul sent me this. I normally do not read forwards and even if I do, I do not think them of them as worthy to be published on my blog. But when Gokul sends you a mail, you don’t ignore it. 🙂 Some of it actually makes sense even if at the expense of sounding chauvinistic.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

9. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

16. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

17. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . . . . Really.

19. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or tanks.

20. You have enough clothes.

21. You have too many shoes.

22.Every dish can be improved with bacon. (Not quite 🙂 )

23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom “the little boys room.”

24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds.

25.No talking at the urinal.

26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers.

27.Never date a woman whose father calls her “princess.”

28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.

29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.

30.Real men don’t dance.

Envelope Full of Air

Thanks to my bro for showing me this video. It’s awesome.

Globalisation Redefined

Vivek sent me this SMS. I liked it a bit and hence posting it here. It’s not great though.

Globalisation:

Diana’s death. An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend (Dodi-Al Fayed) in a German car (Mercedes Benz S280) driven by a Dutch driver(Henri Paul)  in a French tunnel (Pont d’Alma road) while being chased by Italian press reporters on Japanese bikes, treated by Portuguese doctor with Brazilian medicine. This SMS was written by an Indian on a Chinese phone smuggled by a Pakistani via. Nepal. Now, this is called Globalisation.

Management Lessons

Shyam , my good friend, sent me the link to this site and I kinda enjoyed it. So I am putting it up here for other people to enjoy.

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, ” Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” 

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. 

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, “sighed the turkey, “but, I haven’t got the energy. “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. the next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch, Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

 

(BOSS)

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s response and functions.”

The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him where he wants to go.” The hands said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.” And so it went on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on a strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss,  so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don’t need brains to be Boss, any asshole will do!

Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in a pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came out to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lesson:

1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3. When you are in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!