The Exit Interview

Disclaimer: The following write-up has nothing to do with my personal experience , or that of anyone I know. It is a work of fiction, and by golly, if you think your interview went in a way described below, you should write to me. I’d be interested in knowing you. 🙂 This post also has nothing to do with the HR policies or any policies for that matter that my previous, current or future employer might have. Let’s just leave it at that-HR tells me, that should suffice 😉 . Kidding of course.


Me and a friend of mine were having a jolly good discussion over Ice cream cones, and suddenly the topic seemed to shift to ‘Separating from the Company’, or ‘Putting in the Papers’ as is known in some circles. Well, all it means is that you are going to quit the organization, or as one might have heard a few years earlier, Resign from a job.

Well, I am not very good at specifics of this, but I am good at letting my imagination run wild at times, and I thought up a few scenarios, and the two of us had a few good laughs. (So, if you find inaccuracies in the process itself)

I am going to take three different guys, a) serious, b) likes a good laugh, c) indifferent, and see how their exit interviews might (or to be honest, might not) go,

(Why so) SERIOUS

Interviewer: So, tell us, why are you quitting the company ?

Serious guy: (Immediately heating up, half shouting) Are you kidding me ? Didn’t I just come out of the meeting with my manager, after shouting my throat off, and here I am five minutes later, filing my separation. And you ask me why ? Oh, why don’t you tell me Sherlock ? [thinks to himself: Jerk! You think just because you are in Human Resources, you can instigate me with a seemingly benign question. You filthy pig! I wish I could strangle you] – (knuckles clenching and unclenching all the while.)

Interviewer: No, but seriously. I am supposed to be writing down the reason here, in this form.

Serious guy: Oh, come on! You can’t be serious about being serious. And just so you know, no one around here takes you seriously. But anyway, I’ll do you a big favor and tell you why. Because  the company sucks!! Every stupid policy you have sucks!! Everything that results from the neurons firing in your brain and your superiors brain and his superiors brain is simply, well, sucky! [thinks to himself:I wish I could reach across this table and pummel your face with my bare hands. Ah, yes, that would be justice.] (Grins menacingly)

Interviewer: This is no place to vent your anger. I can get you a therapist for you, once we are done here. If you can just tell us plain and simple why you are quitting, we could get this over with.

Serious Guy: What ? I just did [Now I am just going to kill you.] You know what, write down whatever the hell you want to. I don’t care. (get’s up and leaves. Slams the door on the way out, and goes to the Smoking Zone for one last smoke inside Campus.)

HR scribbles on the form: Employee has major issues with anger. Did not volunteer any information for reason on quitting., in spite of me being persuasive. Also seems to be paranoid. Well, I am not a shrink, but this guy quitting has nothing to do with the company. He has issues!

Guy who likes a Good Laugh

Interviewer: So, tell us, why are you quitting the company ?

GWLAGL: Do you know policy A that you guys implemented last year – that’s why. [thinking to himself: He he] (Has a smile on his face)

Interviewer: What about policy A ?

GWLAGL: What about it ? [thinking to himself: He he]

Interviewer: What ?

GWLAGL: What ? [thinking to himself: He he]

Interviewer: (Puzzled!!) No, but seriously. I am supposed to be writing down the reason here, in this form.

Serious guy:Fine fine. You know policy B you guys implemented last year ? [thinking to himself: He he] (Trying to act serious, but can’t help smiling)

Interviewer: Yes. Now, what about policy B ?

GWLAGL: What about it ? [thinking to himself: He he]

Interviewer: What ?

GWLAGL: What ? [thinking to himself: He he]

Interviewer: [phew! again!] This is no place to kid around. If you can just tell us plain and simple why you are quitting, we could get this over with.

GWLAGL: What ? (Smiles a wide smile.)

Interviewer: You know what, that’ll be all.

GWLAGL leaves without saying a word.

HR crumples the form and throws it into the waste paper basket. Takes it out, smoothens it, scribbles on the form:  He had to be kidding me!! You know what, I quit!!

Indifferent Guy

Interviewer: So, tell us, why are you quitting the company ?

IG:Errr….

Interviewer: No, but seriously. I am supposed to be writing down the reason here, in this form.

IG: Meh.

Interviewer: Do you actually have a reason for quitting ? I need to write this down here.

IG: (This time just shrugs)

Interviewer: You know what, that’ll be all. We are done.

IG not bothered by this temper tantrum, remains seated.

HR writes,

Reason for Employee Leaving: Meh!!

then gets up, and leaves the room leaving our man sitting there.

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