4 Lakh Hits and None the Richer

Now, if I had even made 1 rupee per hit!! 1 cent wouldn’t have been bad either. But as it turns out, I am almost BPL and am laboring for peanut wages.

Thanks to all the readers for bearing with headache causing content.

Please Don’t Stop The Music

Well, firstly, if you are reading this and a song is playing on your computer, let it play on. It’s not about the song that’s playing on your machines though unless, of course coincidence of coincidence, you are playing Rihanna’s “Please don’t stop the music”.

I listened to this song only a few days back, but man, is it amazing or what ? It made me sway to the music, and I must say, not too many songs can claim to do that to me. I don’t really indulge myself by dancing. But for a pacy song such as this, even I felt compelled to do a tiny jig. I have been listening to the same song over and over again. It just gets better with each time.

But wait, there has to be a catch. And there is. Having listened to the song, so many times, I decided to check the video out at youTube. Oh, man was I disappointed or what!! Why am I disappointed ? Well, I have this image built up in my head that if a song makes me dance, then the people in it’s videos must be super-humans dancing like no one could. Then I see the video. I would advice people from watching it if you haven’t listened to the audio. If you have, I would still advice you from not watching the video.

Now, let’s compare that with this video, shall we ?

Here are some observations from the video:

1) Rihanna can’t dance.

2) The dance steps (if I can call it that) are very similar to what a Vijaykanth or a Rajini or say an Amitab Bachchan would do. I think those guys  actually pull it off better.

3) Madonna though older, shows more enthusiasm, than Rihanna does in this video. Even Britney Spears is probably better.

4) Clapping your hands does not count as dance.

5) Adjusting your dress (ahem!! you should wear straps you know ) does not count as dance.

6) Clicking your fingers together most definitely does not count as dance.

7) “Walking” does not count as dance. (We thought we told Ajith that when he attempted it in Godfather (remake of the remake of Don) )

Standing in one place, while people around you are acting epileptic does not count as dance.

Only this other day, I was feeling bad that they don’t play English music any longer on Channel V and MTV. I remember the good old days when they used to play only english music there. But you know what ? Maybe it’s good they don’t. With such videos doing the rounds, it’s better to watch “Kaptain” dance.

Language Barriers

I have lived most of my life in Tamil Nadu and I have never had any issues with language. I mean, I can talk Tamil as well as the next guy, read a bit of it and write enough to get me in trouble. I have never had issues, since wherever I went, I could easily manage with English, Hindi or most often Tamil. So, all my life I have never known what it is like to be spoken to by someone in a language you don’t know.

Suddenly that’s changed. I find myself in the middle of (nowhere actually) a place where I know not what they are saying. Sure, I can manage with Hindi, but there are people who don’t understand it. And I’ll tell you what, I don’t like the feeling one bit. Not knowing what someone is saying to you is pissing off.

Why am I writing this all of a sudden. Well, this morning a respectable looking lady asked me directions in Kannada. Well, all I understood was that she was asking for directions. I knew the place she was inquiring about, but then didn’t know how to make conversation. So instead of telling her “Go to that bus stop. Take bus 45 and you’ll be there”, I shrug. Now, I am a decent chap, and I feel bad about this. Now, if she has left it at that, I would have been relieved. But then she asks again quoting another landmark, she hopes I will know. I know this too, but then I don’t know how to tell her in Kannada. Also, worth mentioning is the fact that I was rushing to office. I can’t bring myself to shrug a second time. So, I point to the bus stop and mutter something, no one can understand, and flee from the place. Poor lady, must have been wondering what she said, that made me rush. It was embarrassing.

The second incident happened barely 13 hours later (the number of hours I work these days). I am in a bus back home, when some hot shot two wheeler decides to do some stunt in front of the bus. Now, the conductor getts annoyed and starts saying something. I turn back to see him , and eye meets eye. Suddenly, he takes I am interested in what he is saying and goes on and on with his discourse of which I don’t have the slightest of clue. I dare not tell him “Kannada Gotthilla” (I don’t know Kannada (The only phrase I know in Kannada) ), for the fear that he will punch me in my face. All I managed was to smile at him, turn my gaze away and never look in his direction again. And on the walk back home, I realised, how difficult it must be for people who don’t know the local languge in any place.

I Be Cooker – Semiya Payasam

Semiya Payasam

Yet another day when I couldn’t find time to go have dinner, and by the time I realised the fact, the shops were all closed. (Yes, in Mangalore, don’t expect even the restaurants to be open after 10:00 PM. If you ever commit that grave mistake, you will have to simply skip dinner. (Or manage with the biscuit packets and coke available in any one of the daring shops, who open their shutters till around midnight.)

So, I come home and I am terribly hungry. Now, I have one packet of Maggi, but that’s simply not going to be enough. Thankfully, I had bought milk in one of those “daring” shops I talked about. Now, what was I going to do with the milk ? Sure I had cornflakes, (I am quite stocked on that front with at least three varieties to choose from.) but I am bored of it. Plus, I need to be “daring” as well, what with the “potti kadais” setting precedent and all. What do you know, I have semiya ( vermicelli) and I have sugar!!

Well, I agree I don’t know abc of making payasam, but hey, it’s worth a try, and it wouldn’t be the first time that I threw something I cooked, if at all it went bad. So I did go ahead and make payasam/kheer. It isn’t so bad after all. Just the right amount of sugar. Pity I didn’t have saffron, cashews and kismiss. ( dry/shriveled grapes ? )

I Walk Alone

Walk Alone

The day: day before yesterday, the time: too late, don’t bother. (well, actually around 22:00) Our man (ok ,it’s very odd to call myself that) just finished work in office. From office to home, I have a last bus at 22:20. There is one at 22:00 as well, but then, more often than not when I set out to go somewhere at 20:00, I reach there at least 5 minutes late. So the 22:00 bus was a lost cause. So, I was waiting for the 22:20 bus.

I am in the bus stop waiting for 10 minutes, 15 minutes, time simply refuses to fly by. So I go to a potti kadai (don’t know what it is called in Karnataka/Kannada) and buy myself a 7 up mobile bottle. I am sipping the 7 up away to glory waiting for the bus. I notice that it is now 22:25, and the bus still hasn’t come. That’s when you are reminded of a God and start saying prayers “Please God, make this bus come somehow.” I wait till 22:30, and the bus is still not there. Whoa!!! Now I panic.

Finally I decide the bus is never going to come. So the logical next step is to take an auto and go home. But you know what ? Recession has really hit us. It’s time for cost cutting. So instead of doing the smart thing, I decide to walk. My house is a good 7 kilometers from my office. At my usual speed I get there anywhere between 40 minutes and an hour.

I am walking and am almost midway to my house when this guy on a bike stops. He says something in Kannada to which I have no reply, because I don’t have the slightest of clue what he is saying. Now, to describe this guy, he is really stocky. Not fat, but stocky. The type that could probably lift me with one hand, toss me away and laugh about it. He was also dark and that accentuated his red eyes!! And yes, he did look a little drunk. So I manage to say “Kannada gothilla” (which I am told means, “I don’t know Kannada”. So he replies in Hindi saying “you are like a friend to me” and offers a handshake, which I do not refuse. What’s to lose after all ? Then he offers me a lift on his bike. He asks me how far I live and I lie to him saying, just around the corner. Now, I won’t lie about this, but I was scared. I mean there are an infinite number of things he can do if I accepted the lift. The least scariest of them being me getting killed. So somehow I refuse the life and hurry back home.

And I live to tell the tale. The man could really have been a noble soul and maybe he would have dropped me home after all. But then when it is 11:30 in the night and someone you don’t know offers you a lift, you say NO, no matter what. The same is true with giving someone a lift as well. Always be on the lookout.

P.S: The title is borrowed from the Green Day song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”. My shadow was the only one that walked beside me.

Blur…

The past one week of my life has been a blur. Why ? Well, lets see. For one, I have been going to office at around 9:30 ( yes, in the morning ) every day and returning home, well at around 4 am in the morning the next day. Whoa!! Talk about over working someone. Which means, I get less than 5 hours of sleep every day. Well, I am a guy who likes to sleep at least 8 hours a day. Two, I have had about 6 of the 15 meals I am supposed to have had over these past 5 days. ( Assuming you have 3 square meals a day ) Some times its lunch, at other times its dinner. And on all 5 days breakfast was totally out of question.

On one occasion, I had to crash in office because I was too tired to even come home. The same morning (not the next morning, mind you ) I was returning home when some early risers were coming to office.

Man, what has life come to ? And the best part is, they ask you to work so long and when its time for your appraisal, they hold the same against you saying “If you were efficient, you could have gone back home at 6 in the evening. I am going to have to grade you a B for efficiency.” Efficiency, my ass !! If I could grow too more arms, and work on two PC’s simultaneously, I would still not be able to complete such huge volumes of work by 6.

Oh and if you thought how I had the time to write this post, if I claim to be so busy after all, I am waiting for a couple of batch jobs, I am testing to complete. Life at it’s very best!!

As my project manager (an amazing person for whom I have a lot of respect) once jokingly remarked, “Work Life balance is like this. For the first 21 years of your life you have LIFE. For the next 40 years, you have WORK. If you survive that long, the remaining is again LIFE” Now I see it was experience speaking.

P.S: I normally don’t crib about work, but then 18 hour work days is something even I cannot take over a period of a week. Especially for the  (meagre little thing they call) salary I get paid.

Of SuSus, PooPoos and Sour Grape Juice. (Yuck!!)

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DISCLAIMER: This post is not meant to be taken seriously. The author suggests taking it in a lighter vein. (No, not intravenous drugs. I am against drugs!! ) The post is also best taken with a pinch of humor (or snuff if you actually are in the habit. No wait, that is disgusting too!! ) The characters and themes appearing in this post are “absolut-ly” “triple distilled” fictional and any relation with beings either living, dead or brain dead is coincidental. (Yeah, right!!)  If you can think a better title, you are most welcome. For people of the opinion that I try too hard, you don’t know yet. (wink)

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An interview with Vrakash Parma, who directed the commercials of SuSus for MO6 and the creators themselves.

Mr Parma, first things first. How did you get such a creative name for the characters ?

That’s something you will have to ask the creators. They are the creative ones. I just shoot.

( At least you shoot straight.) So let’s talk to the creators now. Mr. KamKaro Jao , How did you think of such a name ? I must confess, lots of my friends, me included are enthralled.

Well, as a kid, I used to go to the Jijamata Udyan Zoo very often. It is only natural … Oh wait a minute, wait a minute, why am I explaining about a zoo ? It’s actually because the people wearing these costumes had a difficult time getting out of it when you know, (ahem) nature calls. (Sheepish smile) Hence Susus. If you are wondering why not another rhyming word, then it boils down (ha ha ha) to the frequency really.

Oh (coughs..), naturally. And very clever. Care to tell us about the concept ?

It’s very simple really. I was sitting in my bedroom one fine afternoon, wondering “Why, these days everyone is into animation so much. In a way animated characters were stealing the charisma of humans. Hence I got to thinking, why not make an animation like advertisement with humans in it, instead ?

Wow!! That’s simply won-der-ful. Creativity at it’s peak. Are you sure you didn’t rip it off Bybendum ?

By Ben who ?

Not Ben. The Michellin Man!! Or, wait was it the mummies ?

Michelle in what ? And whose Mum ? Surely, I have heard of no such thing. You got to be donuts  if you are accusing me. I am always one revolution ahead!!

Ya, Right!! So what’s this new branch of ad-making going to be called ? Surely, there will be others who will copy you. This is India afterall.

Oh, I haven’t given it any thought really. But yes, now you bring it up, we Indians will copy it anyway. And keep copying it till everyone is bored of it. I think people will think of a title eventually.

Back to Mr. Parma. Ok, so tell us, Mr. Parma  What were the challenges you faced ?

The material was a big challenge. I mean we were initially just using a white sheet. But then someone notices that one, the sheets wrinkled a lot and two, instead of looking like cute creatures, these were now looking more like banshees.

So, you found an alternative we hear ?

Yes, we tried this material called “perspirex”, but that just made people sweat a lot. As a result of which there were no nature calls, and we couldn’t call these things susus any longer. That would have been a collapse of the entire concept. We couldn’t let that happen.

Oh, so ?

Well, this one guy who writes wise ass posts in his blog, gave us this suggestion and I must confess it’s wonderful and simple. Coming to think of it, I should have thought of it myself.

Uh-huh ? What is this suggestion ?

Toilet paper!! We just had to roll this person in toilet paper. And nature calls were no longer a problem. We just had to remove some portion of the covering (which was useful for other things) and cover em back once the business was done. Jolly good, I say.

Jolly good indeed.

Ladies and gentlemans, let there be applause.

Soup In a Soup

I caught a cold somehow couple of days back. Blame it on the rains, blame it on me sweating it out in the gym (a white lie), blame it on the lack of sleep thanks to never ending work hours (another lie). So I have been trying whatever I can to make things better. Or so I thought.

Just before writing this post, I had just come home and sat down to check my mails. I was doing so, when all of a sudden I could smell something burning. Holy $#!% !! I go to the kitchen to find a tar like substance brewing in the saucepan on the stove. Ah, yes, just before I sat down to check my mail, I thought I’d make myself a cup of soup before dinner. I was kinda looking forward to it, actually. Hoping that it would clear away my cold to an extent. (I put a lot of pepper in it. ) Instead I have an almost solid remnants of the soup that would have been delicious no doubt. Not to mention, I have to clean that darn vessel now.

Now, Ill just have to go have my dinner with no soup

Are Zoozoos such a big deal ?

Everywhere you see these days, be it on television, be it on newspapers, be it on the Internet, you find “ZooZoos”. They don’t even spare your official e-mail id. People even in your office flood it with forward after forward about “Zoozoos”!!

Personally I don’t get what’s the big deal with it anyway. I mean I know there is a huge fan following for these commercials. People who go all “How cuteeee” and become 5 year olds again. I am sure there is at least one person reading this post who unconsciously smiles every time a Zoozoo advertisement is played on TV. (At least till you read this. Sorry, if I make you conscious the next time.)

To me, these are just annoying advertisements. I mean, I know its cute!!!…. and all, but if you sit back and think (maybe over a cold beer), what does that advertisement mean really ? How does it in anyway concern Vodafone or what service they offer  ? The link is rather thin.vI mean there are these (not)-animated characters on screen making weird and annoying sounds/noises/grunts. I am not taking anything away from the ad-maker, though. I mean nice concept and all. But it could have been put to better use. Something more meaningful perhaps ?

Sunrise

If you laughed at my photo on sunset, here’s more to laugh at. Sometime last month, I came back from Coimbatore at around 04:30 AM and to my dismay found that I had a mound of clothes that I was supposed to wash like only a month back. (That’s exaggerating it a bit) So I was stuffing my clothes in the washing machine, when I saw the sun starting to appear. It was hard to resist taking a couple of snaps.

Sunrise @ ~ 06:00

Sunrise @ ~ 06:15

Sunrise @ ~ 06:45

The photos are separated by approximately 20 minutes. My bloody bedroom faces the east and the sunlight wakes me up every morning. Darn!! I would rather, my bedroom faced west.